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Noire vs DmC! Dante
Pre Episode Cue Music 1 Luther: Hey guys, let me back in! I found the book again! Nova: Ah, finally! Now lets- Wow, you look like shit! What happened to you out there! Alice: Did you piss off Dio again? Luther: No, it was Rena this time. I guess my disguise was TOO good. Alice: And by disguise, you mean a trenchcoat and shades. Theodore: Never fails! Nova: Believe what you want, man. What's more important is seeing if this totally-not-Death Note works! Luther: You don't think we're taking science too far by randomly giving some poor soul a heart attack? Nova: It's... For a good cause! Do you guys really want to stay holed up here JUST because of a bunch of protestors? Theodore: And NO Allie, we cannot shoot them. Alice: I'll be sure not to hit their vital organs. Luther: Nice to see you guys are all thankful for my sacrifices by the way. Theodore: But hey, at least none of the protestors out there have sparked any violence for a while! Maybe we're actually doing something right here! Alice: Whatever works, I guess. Hey Luth, here are the plans for the next episode. Luther: What do we have here? Hey, doesn't the writer have a-'' Alice: Intermission time! ''Luther: What? OW! Description This What If Death Battle features Noire from Hyperdimension Neptunia and Dante from DmC: Devil May Cry. These black haired swordsmen are quite well known for their snarky attitudes, white haired transformations, and special powers. Not to mention, both of them do from series that have undergone reboots... But it's not like their series respective timelines have any issue with creating multiple versions of the same character and throwing them all over the place or anything... Interlude Luther: The hell was that, Allie? I was just trying to say this episode's writer has a -ARGH! Alice: My apologies. My programming requires me to strike you before you can finish that sentence. Luther: You don't look sorry. (In fact, she looks like she's enjoying it! Is Allie secretly a dominatrix?) Nova: Ah, the ever so confusing nature of the tsundere. Theodore: Eh, the other guy here isn't really-''' Alice: Love 'em or not, they tend to be some of the most popular characters in their series if done well! Other times... Not so much. Nova: But if you wanna make your character even more memorable, just give 'em an extra sexy transformation! 'Theodore: Once again that doesn't entirely apply to the-' ''Luther: Noire, the hotheaded CPU of Lastation!'' '''Theodore: And Dante in Name Only, the ever so polarizing star of DmC: Devil May Cry! Alice: Okay Theo, before you move on I think we need to go over this site's rules again, much to our mutual dismay. Theodore: What are you talking about, Allie? I'm just saying how much this guy-''' Alice: Nope. That's against the rules. As much as I hate to say it... We're gonna have to show him some respect all the way through. Nova: Ah man! And I had my routine perfectly planned out this time! ''Luther: Oh well. I'm Luther, and I'm joined here today by Alice, Nova, and Theodore.'' ''It's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills, to find out who would win... '' Nova: A DEATH BATTLE! Butareyouguyssurewecan'tinsultdontehere? Alice: I mean what I said back there. Noire Cue Music 2 Nova: The land of Gamindustri is awesome! Alice: Gee, I wonder what it's about? ''Luther: As the embodiment of all that is gaming, this land is a haven for all sorts of consoles, both old, new, and completely made up. But one in particular really seems to stand out for some reason...'' '''Theodore: Ah, the Sony Playstation. Such a marvelous piece of technology, wouldn't you agree? Luther: Sure, but I was always an Xbox guy my-'' Alice: Eh, that's not important. What IS important is what this console line would actually look like if it was a tsundere anime girl! ''Luther: ...Where and why would that even exist? Nova: Why, we need to look no further than the Console Patron Unit of Lastation herself, Noire! Oh and quick note before we start: There are multiple versions of this same girl across all sorts of dimensions, but honestly they aren't all that different from one another. (It's like they're all clones or something.) Luther: Who also happens to be the- OW! Alice: I tried to warn you, Luth. Theodore: Lastation, The Land of Black Regality, is one of constant progress and innovation. Nova: It's also famous for having some REALLY bad network protection. I mean it's bad enough the PSN got hacked once, but twice too?! Somebody needs to teach those PC Extremists a lesson... Theodore: I agree entirely! We must unite as one if we are to take down such dangerous terrorists! Alice: Oh please, you peasants will NEVER defeat the Master Race! Theodore: Evil AND racist, I see. Well-''' ''Luther: I'm just gonna actually do my job now, if that's all right with you guys. And believe me, I know it can't be easy to run such an enormous country like this. But I've gotta say, Noire's one hell of a fine lady to make it all work somehow.'' Alice: Now here's somebody we can all respect for once. She's considered by many to be the ideal goddess, always working tirelessly to ensure that Lastation thrives. After all, her motto is Lastation only does everything. Nova: Yeah, but her personality sure isn't something you'd ever expect from someone in her position. Noire may be a perfectly respectful, hard working individual, but she also doubles as a hard headed, easily angered, and highly self conscious tsundere. Alice: But hey, at least she can be really nice if you breach through that thorny exterior. ''Luther: Lo and behold, this bitchy attitude of hers leads to much ridicule from her closest allies and fans alike. Noire's one hell of a harsh person when you really get down to it, especially when we start delving into her absolute HATRED of the opposite gender. (Damn, I'd hate to imagine what even caused all that.)'' '''Theodore: But the life of a CPU is NOT as easy as it appears, I'm afraid. She's one hell of a workaholic who puts her job over her own well being sometimes. Always wanting to solve all her problems alone, not having many friends, always shutting herself away from the world... Oh, it's just too much! Somebody give this poor girl a hug right now! Alice: There there, Theo. I may be waterproof but I'd rather not have to clean your tears off of me. Theodore: And it's even been implied she wants to give up her position... She's always been happier with such otaku hobbies as cosplaying and voice acting... Nova: It's nice to see you're a real expert at this whole comforting thing, Allie. Let's just move away from the Fridge Horror section, all right? Oh and, you might want a tissue Luth. Luther: I'm not crying! A mosquito just stabbed my eye out! Bloody hell, it hurts! '' ''...Oh and the writer- AGH! Cue Music 3 Alice: Befitting her position, Noire prefers to use rapiers and short swords in combat. With a blade in hand, she gains access to a good number of special attacks that you'd expect from an RPG. Many of which will incorporate a number of flashy flips and kicks straight out of the Matrix. Theodore: Noire is a relatively well balanced fighter who true to word can fill in any role. She specializes in precise, quick strikes, easily being able to adjust her style to either dish out more damage or break through a foe's defenses. Luther: Or alternatively, Noire can infuse her attacks with fire and electricity to add some extra flavor to her style, which is already enough to melt any guy's heart. Alice: I guess that was a compliment? Nova: If Noire wants to tap into her inner Shin Megami Tensei, she can buff her stats with Mediastation or if she literally wants to stop your heart, she'll just inflict poison or paralysis on you with Venom and Paralyze Fencer respectively. Luther: Noire is even strong enough to not only emit shockwaves by striking the ground but she can make an enemy spontaneously combust just by ending off a combo! Damn, Michael Bay's influence is spreading faster than I thought... Theodore: But perhaps Noire's strangest attacks-''' Alice: Believe me, that's saying a lot for this series. '''Theodore Have her make use of a large drill or magical glyph with Masanobu Endo's face attached to them? Okay, clearly the game developers had a BIT too much to drink one night. Noire hesitates to use these moves for... obvious reasons. (How the hell does this even...) Nova: But what's an RPG without an overly long attack animation that goes absolutely ham with sword combos? Enter Infinite Slash, a long series of blinding sword rushes followed by a badass finger snap to cut Noire's foes to shreds! Cue Music 4 Nova: Noire's already absurdly powerful on her own, being capable of slashing through her vctim/s faster than the eye can track, but would you believe me when I say she can amplify her powers even further? Alice: Well, this IS anime after all. Allow us to introduce you to the special power of the CPUs: Hard Drive Divinity, otherwise known as HDD. Luther: Whoa ho ho! That's one hell of a transformation there! Since as you all know, Anime Logic 101 states the more revealing or outright less clothes a girl has on, the exponentially stronger she becomes! Theodore: Well, that's... Um... Nova: Wow, I don't think I've ever seen your face that red before, Theo! Afraid of a little fanservice? Luther: You should have seen his reaction to the game's panty shots from earlier. (Seriously, Hyperdimension Neptunia can't go five minutes without one.) Theodore: I think I need a shower now... Alice: Eh, you'll recover soon enough. (Besides, I bet I can rock that look SO much better. Perhaps it would make great therapy for Theo here.) Oh, and you may want to wipe your nose. Nova: By tapping into her full power, Noire becomes the Goddess Black Heart, drastically increasing not only her stats, but also pulling a complete 180 on her personality! No longer the mostly calm girl she was before, Black Heart is a competitive, snarky, and much more level headed CPU. Oh, and she can fly now too. Alice: And just for a few extra kicks, Black Heart adds a laser beam to the end of Infinite Slash. Because there's no kill like overkill. Theodore: All traumatizing experiences aside, Black Heart is one hell of an upgrade for this already overpowered lass. But this isn't even her final form! Luther: By expending a single EXE Drive (and by extension Black Heart's stripperific outfit much to Theo's relief.) Noire can breach her limits to become Next Black! And holy hell does this break the game in half once it finally comes into play! Theodore: Not to mention, she gains a pretty sweet cyber eye patch! I might want to get myself one of those. Nova: And do you guys really want to see Noire's ultimate attack? You may explode from sheer awe alone. Alice: Welp, I guess it's best if we just show it. Hold on to your butts, everyone. Nova: Cloud Strife, you'd best start taking notes. Theodore: Needless to say, you're gonna be hard pressed to survive anything like that. Noire's fought and won against the likes of the former CPU Rei Ryghts and the embodiment of piracy, Arfoire... Excuse me wha-''' ''Luther: But while such foes and quite a few others were more than capable of threatening all of Gamindustri, Noire certainly wasn't in it alone. But hey, if you've got a team consisting of four of the hottest Goddesses this side of parodyville, do you really need much more to take down the ultimate evils of the land?'' Nova: And even with the absurd power of Noire's transformations, they won't last forever and she will get booted out of them like your lazy college roommate if she uses up too much energy or gets knocked out. Nova Alice: Noire is also... not very lucky. From what I have deduced, this girl's body produces a magnetic field that attracts anybody that happens to be falling from the sky at the moment. Try as she might to avoid it, Noire will always end up as somebody's makeshift landing pad. Nova: I guess Noire's still got a lot going for her despite the copious amounts of Fridge Sadness we just discovered. ''Luther: But do you guys want to know the most adorable thing ever?'' Alice: Luther, I'm still programmed to stop you, whether I like it or not. ''Luther: *starts running* The episode's writer may or may not have a crush on a certain CPU! And I think that's absolutely- ARGH!'' ''...And by that I mean he likes Noire a lot...'' Alice: It appears Luther has met with an unexpected fall. I wonder what could have caused it? ''Luther: Whatever... That was totally worth it.'' Noire: I really need something cool to say after I transform. Maybe I should transform first before I start brainstorming. Dante (Rebooted Timeline) Cue Music 5 '''Theodore: ...So are we really doing this? Alice: I'm afraid so. We really are going to have to show this guy some respect. Nova: Well, I guess we'll start with the elephant in the room itself. While this combatant may share a name with a certain white haired demon hunter we all know, DmC: Devil May Cry does in fact take place in an alternate universe, completely separate from the rest of the series. Luther: Wow, I don't think I've ever heard you so unenthusiastic about... anything before! Theodore: As its own completely original setting, this game tells the story of a rebellious youth named Dante, who happened to be the half breed son of Eva and Sparda, who happened to be an Angel and a Demon respectively. Alice: But as Dante's edgy and dark appearance may inform you, he's had a one hell of a tragic childhood. When he was just seven years old, his mother was murdered by demons and Dante was evidently separated from the rest of his family. And wouldn't you know it? The dude forgot all about this incident in the process. Luther: ...Uh Nova, what's on that checklist you've got there? Nova: Oh, just listing all the things I wish I could be saying right now... *ahem* So with his family presumed dead, Dante spent the rest of his childhood growing up in a pretty big number of orphanages, correctional facilities, and other institutions. Why so many you may be asking? Well he kind of lashed out against authority figures on a daily basis. Luther: Well, to be fair they were all demons. Literally. Limbo City, the place Dante calls home, is controlled entirely by demon kind, much to the ignorance of the human population that seemingly lives in peace beneath them. Big problem is, Dante's the only one that can even see the demons infesting every corner of the city. Alice: So with not only the discovery of demon's that want nothing more than to rip his head off but also a slew of supernatural powers emerging within him, Dante decided to take a personal stand against demon kind... '' '''Theodore: And by that we mean he teamed up with Totally-not-Anonymous to take down Totally-not-Fox-News and totally not the Illuminati either.' Nova: But with this guy's attitude, can you really blame the demons for wanting him dead? Luther: At least there's some REALLY good justification for Dante's whole outcast nature and... Nova, why do you keep staring at your watch like that? Nova: Just wait for it... Cue Sound ???: This party's getting crazy! Theodore: There's no way you actually... Holy crap you actually did it! Cue Music 6 Nova: So you see, while WE'RE not allowed to openly hate the new Dante's guts, there's nothing stopping the original Dante himself from doing so! Welcome aboard, valued guest! Theodore: I can't believe you actually got him to appear! Sir Dante, I'm such a huge fan of your work! Can I have your autograph? Dante: Heh heh. Sure thing, dude. Yeah, I'm here to talk about my... other self. BUT I'll actually be the first to admit he's not all that bad... But with that in mind, it's his personality that pisses me off to no end most of all! Alice: But before we dwell on Alt Dante's psychological state, let's vent off some steam by focusing on what's really important, his weapons! Dante: Yeah, now we're talkin'! Yeah the guy does copy my style but he does do it surprisingly well, while still throwing in his on unique flavor. And what better place to start than our signature blade, Rebellion, a badass long sword that can easily cut any demon down to size! Theodore: Rebellion is one sweet puppy, but unlike Prime Dante's weapon, this one can shapeshift into a number of different weapons, my favorite being an angelic scythe named Osiris! And don't let this thing's size fool you, it actually grants Dante some sick agility! He can even spin it around like Yuri Lowell! Luther: But if Dante wants to trade in speed for raw power, he's got the demonic battleaxe Arbiter at his side! Yeah, its attacks will leave him pretty wide open, but Dante can produce shockwaves, break down walls, and even throw the damn thing like a tomahawk! ...And somehow it returns to his hands afterward? Nova: Normally I'd go on to call Dante a Jedi after that, but he probably just uses magic. Anyway, Dante's got long distance covered with his two favorite pistols, Ebony and Ivory. While not quite as strong as his other weapons, Dante can perform a number of sweet tricks them, usually involving flipping around and juggling enemies in the air! Because screw physics! Dante: My other self's also got a sawed off shotgun called Revenant, a pair of demonic gauntlets called Eryx, an angelic pair of shurikens he calls Aquila, and even a grappling hook called Ophion he uses to traverse medium distances. A little too ordinary for my tastes, but I see where he's going with all this. Alice: Dante's half blood lineage classifies him as a Nephilim, which grants him access to all sorts of physical powers as well. You've got the usual supernatural strength, speed, and stamina, but he's also got a healing factor to protect him from what would otherwise be fatal wounds. Theodore: Dante can also make use of his angelic heritage to dash through the air with a move called... Angel Dash. Makes sense. Dante: But just like the proud badass Dante's based off of, he can manifest his true power to enter Devil Trigger! ...But instead of transforming into a demon, he pretty much turns into me. That's just anitclimactic. Nova: This Dante's Devil Trigger function rather similarly to old White Haired Dante's Quicksilver Style, while also providing a boost to his physical attributes. While it's in effect, Dante will slow down time around him, allowing him to score some free hits on his unexpecting opponents! Any lesser demons will even find themselves launched into the air! Luther: So do you guys see? The new Dante's every bit as badass as the original! Dante: Okay sure, I can totally appreciate this guy's style... But now it's time for me to list off this poser's long list of issues! Theodore: Yeah, it's about time I got this off my chest. This new Dante just downright offends me! I get that he's trying to be witty, understandable, relatable, and all that jazz but the developer's intentions didn't exactly transfer all that well. Luther: Are you sure you're not being TOO harsh with that? Dante: Oh, Theo here has the right idea. But to me? This new Dante is the equivalent of the snobby little brother I wish I never had. He's trying WAY too hard to be cool when instead he just comes off as the complete opposite! Just like Travis Touchdown, but he's actually supposed to be considered cool! Nova: And would you really call THIS the epitome of witty remarks? Theodore: Bwahahahah! I'm starting to see why some of the game's fans wanted to side with Mundus instead... Oh, and f*ck you too! Hahahaha... Cue Music 7 Alice: Geez, and I thought the Angry Video Game Nerd was a Sir Swears A Lot. But in all seriousness, the man's backstory is just as tragic as you'd imagine but the ways he deals with it doesn't always seem to fit. This Dante is just far too arrogant and mean spirited for a lot of people to really enjoy, and it's kind of saddening in a way. Luther: But lets all be honest here, this Dante only really acts like this because of the shitty circumstances he's always grown up in. He's still a legitimately good guy deep down, and he's even ripped open his own chest just to make sure he actually had a heart. Dante: Well, it's good to see you guys can come to an understanding without me. I'll be perfectly honest here, I wasn't always the classy badass you see me as today, and this younger Dante is a perfect example of what a naive version of myself would be like... But even I wasn't such a mean spirited dude like that... Luther: So he's just a kid that was forced to grow up far too quickly for his own good in the end, huh? Such a shame this happens so often, really... Nova: Okay, I'm actually starting to see this guy in a new light. He still pisses me off, but he really does change as the game goes on, eventually managing to take even the smallest step in the direction of the old Dante we all know and love. And I can come to appreciate that. Theodore: *sigh* But it's too bad this series is currently stuck in the dust. I'm really gonna miss everyone involved if it doesn't come back, reboot or no... But the blatant and downright mocking social commentary the new timeline presents is still about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. Cue Music 8 Alice: But hey, while we've all come to agree the new Dante isn't completely unredeemable, it's not like a majority of the fanbase can come to the same conclusion. I say that's the best time to start talking about weaknesses! Dante: But to be completely honest, he doesn't have too many, other than his overly cocky attitude which leads to him underestimating and not to mention pissing off his opponents. '' ''Luther: But it's not like this guy's invincible either. Devil trigger obviously doesn't last forever, as it will fade with time or if Dante takes enough damage. Hell, strong enough enemies have even been able to ignore the whole time stop effect. (Though not many of course.) Nova: And do you see that spot on his back that glows whenever Dante changes weapons or taps into his powers? That's his special birthmark that's responsible for giving him a lot of his powers. While we don't EXACTLY know what would happen if someone were to at least damage it (It never really happened before.), this tattoo of his just SCREAMS hit me louder than a neon green arrow sign! Alice: But even with his handy healing factor, don't go around thinking he's anywhere near, say Deadpool's level. This Dante's tolerance for pain isn't quite as manageable as his counterpart either, seeing as how even bullets are enough to make him recoil a bit. Dante: But even with all his shortcomings, my other self's still been more than capable of delivering demonic smackdowns on a daily basis, defeating the colossal Mundus (with the aid of Vergil) and even beating the crap of ol' Might is Everything Bullet Timing Vergil. So yeah, he's really is legitimately badass, and who knows, give him enough time and maybe he'll come close to my level. DmC! Dante: You can call me 'Dante the demon killer.' Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Interlude 2 Luther: All right! The combatants are set, and-'' Cue Sound Nova: Since when did this place get a doorbell? ''Dante: SWEET! Pizza's here! Alice: You actually managed to get some poor soul to make a delivery to this war torn HQ surrounded by protestors? Guess I'll answer it... '' ???: 'Sup, losers? '''Theodore: ...*slams door* False alarm, it's just some punk.' ???: Hey! I'm the main character here! Let me in! Everyone Else: Bullshit! Go home Neptune! Dante: Oh, for crying out loud! This delivery service usually doesn't take so long, what's the holdup? Neptune: Hah! That's because I swiped your precious pies off the delivery guy before he even knew what was comin' to him! Now give in to my demands before the hostages bite it! Luther: *sigh* Theo, you're up! Cue Sound Theodore: Heh heh heh. Dante's not the only one that can screw with time. Alleyoop.. And here's your pay. Have a nice day! And don't come back! *Door Slam* Neptune: NOOOOOOOO! My plans are ruined! Dante: Nicely done! High five dude! Alice: With THAT distraction out of the way, Nova: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE! The Battle Pre Fight Unspecified City (No, it's not Limbo City.) Cue Music 9 "Another day, another crazy alternate dimension. Sounds just about normal to me." A girl with black twintailed hair casually monologued as she trecked down the eerily empty streets of wherever the hell she was without a care in the world. Sure, she expected such a suspicious new dungeon would be crawling with monsters that wanted nothing more than to place her head on a stick, but lo and behold... There was nothing like that. "Hnnnngh. This just keeps going and going... I'd rather have to deal with a random encounter every few steps than this monotony! At least I'd be spending my time doing something useful, like level grinding..." Noire continued to mumble to herself as she continued down her path. "And... Yep. I'm officially talking to myself now. That's not pathetic at all, right?" The youthful girl placed a hand on her chin to contemplate her own nature even further. "Le sigh... It's always lonely at the top." The longer the monoogue continued, the less intelligible her words actually started to become. Clearly, boredom is a deadly disease that can affect just about anybody. But soon enough, Noire's riveting conversation with herself came to an abrupt end when the sound of a bullet striking a building caught her attention. It didn't take her long to find out where that projectile came from. Cue Music 10 (Who's this poser supposed to be? He looks... dirty and unrefined to say the least. Would that be too mean?) Noire thought to herself, making sure her words would not be heard. A black haired youth wearing an admittedly punk like coat had been responsible for for scaring the crap out of this lost CPU. (Not that she'd ever admit it of course.) The gunslinger sat up on the roof of a nearby building with a confident smirk on his face before finally deciding to speak up. "So, who the hell are you supposed to be? Some rejected Sailor Moon character?" (Um, excuse me? I'm not Blanc!) "That's rich coming from somebody that looks like he just washed up on the Jersey Shore. I'm Noire by the way. CPU of Lastation." The tsundere girl replied, stroking her hair with her hand for good measure. Dante took a few seconds to process the girl's comeback before responding. "Eh. Can't say I've heard of you. I'm Dante. But you can call me Dante the Demon Killer! Has a nice ring to it, don't ya think?" (Something about this guy is just... offensive for some reason. Oh and... Dante? As in...) "Well, if you don't mind me asking, would you kindly tell exactly what this... place is supposed to be?" Noire decided to ask. "You know, I can't be too sure myself. I mean it looks just like home, but it sure as hell isn't Limbo City. I can barely sense any demons anywhere... But there is one strong sense that's driving me crazy. I think I might know what it is... Care to help me find it out?" Dante answered the girl's question with the same voice as usual, now casually twirling one of his beloved pistols around his finger. (I don't know if I can trust this guy. Yeah he seems nice enough, but he's just shady and... downright rude in a way. Still, I've gotta work on my so called sexism, so I'll give him a chance.) "Fine. Just don't go trying to-" *Gunshot* Cue Music 11 "What the hell was that?!" Noire jumped back, avoiding Dante's surprise bullet with ease. "Damn, I missed. You know, you're pretty crafty for a demon, but a bitch like you's just gotta go!" Dante replied with a new devious look in his eyes. "Excuse me?! What part of your half-witted mind made you think I was a demon?!" Noire had to ask, now even more offended than before. "You're an asshole! I heard it from a reliable source, she called herself Arfoire!" Dante returned. Noire facepalmed upon hearing that. (You have GOT to be kidding me.) "And you're really going to trust the most evil demon of all?! What kind of terrable judge of character are you?!" (Wait, did I just make a pun?!) "Look smartass, you can't just go around shooting everybody in sight just because some bimbo told you there's a demon running around! Are you just completely racist, or is there something I'm missing here?" Noire slammed her foot down to really set the tone of her response. Dante had to take another awkward pause to find the best possible comeback he could muster. "Oh yeah? Well f*ck you!" Noire's hand went straight to her forehead again, now not even noticing the opposing youth jump off of the building to engage in battle with her. <> Luther: Hey wait, what does that fight picture have to do with this actual battle? The situation is completely different there! Nova: Oh, I just thought it looked funny. And you to can settle it in Smash with the use of Brawl mods! But now, lets get on with the show! <> FIGHT! As Dante neared the ground, his signature blade rebellion began to materialize on the man's back. Creating a small crater upon his landing, the demon killer opened up with a few haphazard shots from his twin pistols. Not one to miss a beat, Noire's blade began shining with all the colors of the rainbow before she quickly swung the weapon in a massive horizontal arc, letting out a sizable energy wave that cut right through her foe's bullets and struck Dante with full force. "Torneraid Sword!" The Nephilim was no worse for wear despite getting smacked into the building behind him. If anything, it just made the smirk on his face grow even wider than it had before. "All right. So the lonely, manipulative girl knows how to fight. Not bad for such a hideous sack of shit!" Dante taunted, swinging his own blade to return the favor with another disc of energy. Trying to clear out the other fighter's abrasive insult, Noire finally made her move, flipping over her foe's projectile to close in on the demon killer. Dante followed suit, tapping into his angelic side to dash forward at breakneck speeds, clashing blades with Noire at the end of the maneuver. The two engaged in a rather brief exchange of strikes before Noire slipped past Dante's defenses to deliver a wicked flip kick to the jaw, sending the demon hunter sky high.The tsundere girl swiftly jumped up after him, forcefully slamming Dante's body back to the ground with a mighty swing of her weapon. "Whoop! We tech those, mate!" Dante shouted with glee as he regained his balance upon touching back down on the ground. Then with a simple hand motion, Dante's longsword transformed into a sinister scythe, which Dante promptly started spinning around in front of him like a windmill. The maneuver managed to catch the CPU in mid fall, opening her up a savage vertical swing of Dante's scythe. "We're not done yet, get over here!" Dante warned, using his grappling hook Ophion to reel his foe back to him for a powerful punch from a gauntlet encased fist. Noire found herself hurtling back down the street upon impact with her foe's asmittedly stylish combo, but she managed to shift her momentum in just the right way so she would make a beeline for a nearby street lamp. In a rather complicated (not to mention physics breaking) maneuver, Noire stabbed her blade into the metal structure, still maintaining enough momentum to rapidly orbit around the light like one of those vomit inducing rides from the theme park. "Hey, nice ass there! It's nice to see you forgot to wear a longer skirt!" Dante exclaimed at the rather absurd sight, clearly taking in the the view for himself. This prompted Dante to take a number of shots at her from afar, but the bullets were easily deflected by the spinning girl, who was pretty much showing off at this point. Now more pissed off than she could ever imagine, Noire finally let go of the lamp, flying straight at Dante faster than than the blink of an eye. Before Dante could even process this information, he felt a sharp pain engulf his chest, and Noire herself was somehow right behind him. "You're SO gonna pay for that, perv." Noire added in with a smirk of her own. With that motion, Dante's body spontaneously exploded as Noire leaped into the air to clear herself away from the blast zone. Noire wasn't finished yet, as she soon dropped herself to the ground blade first, resulting in the two fighters being caught up in another explosion. "Volcano Dive!" the resulting blast was strong enough to knock Dante right through the doors of the building the two have been fighting in front of. Noire took a small moment to brush her hand through her hair before giving the demon killer chase. Cue Music 12 What Noire found when she entered the building was... vastly different than anything she could have expected in this dimension. "What in the world?" The interior was vastly cleaner than the outside, not to mention it vaguely resembled a certain shopping mall. (Okay, I'm either hallucinating or this dimension is really starting to screw with me.) ..."Doesn't that bring back memories?" She added with a pause when she shifted her attention to a collection old Playstation models slowly collecting dust from within a darkened stall. ... "Hey asshole, I'm over here!" Cue Music 13 The lost in thoughts CPU was jolted back into reality when a cheap folding chair smashed into the wall about a foot away from her. "What the hell?! ...Oh, its you again." Noire nonchalantly greeted upon catching sight of the demon hunter who was reaching for another convenient item to chuck at her face. "You know, don't you ever get sick of wasting away doing Hell knows what in the ass end of this city?" Noire continued with her own "custom" greeting as she drew her blade again. "Wasting away? F*ck no." Dante replied, throwing a large refrigerator at the the twintailed girl as if it was a pebble on the ground. "I just prefer to spend my time cutting down shitheads like you that think you have control over everything!" The demon hunter added in when Noire's blade cut through the kitchen like hot butter. (So he thinks he's a badass rebel? I should've guessed.) "A fridge? Seriously? Who do you think you are, Indiana Jones?" Noire quipped as she continued to close the distance to her target. "Pfft. f*ck that, Han Solo's much cooler!" Were the last words Noire heard before her progress towards the demon killer nearly grinded to a halt. Dante's appearance had changed entirely, his old tattered appearance replaced with an eerie red jacket and snow white hair. Before she knew it, Dante was reeling her in with Ophion once again, opening her up for a mighty upwards swing of Rebellion, knocking her right into the air at a surprisingly slow pace. Dante rittled his target with a small flurry of bullets before jumping after her, swapping to his trusty battleaxe Arbiter along the way. Devil Trigger had finally ended at this point, but Dante was still able to land a few kicks on his still airborne target before ending his combo with a mighty swing of Arbiter. Noire skidded along the ground a fair distance before managing to regain her balance, clearly caught off guard by Dante's time slow shenanigans. Wanting to continue his assault further, Dante threw Arbiter like an oversized hatchet. The weapon left a noticeable trail of flames in its path but the projectile made a sudden stop when Noire nonchalantly caught the axe in her free hand. "So, you're just a punk that prefers to go around screwing up the progress of the world around him instead of hanging out with his friends, huh?" Noire asked, throwing the demonic weapon back at its master with her head held low to the ground. "At least I have some, bitch!" Dante quipped back upon landing back on solid ground, reclaiming his weapon with ease and immediately opening fire whilst slowly closing in on his unmoving opponent. That last comment of the youth's really struck a nerve with the tsundere CPU, as it briefly made mind go blank upon processing Dante's words. She didn't even react upon taking a few direct hits from Dante's bullets. ... The girl's mind was internally ablaze, still trying to regather her composure at a comment that was quite unintentionally true in her eyes. How could this foul mouthed punk know anything about her? Especially something that was just so... personal. The CPU haphazardly rushed forward, now extra eager to cut her foe's face apart with her blade. "How the hell does an unruly bastard like you think he knows ANYTHING about me?!" Dante couldn't help letting out a hearty chuckle as he aimlessly chucked his Aquila shurikens at the approaching girl. "Come on, don't act like you don't know your shitty type!" Dante taunted as the two engaged in another heated clash of blades. "Oh sure, do you care to lay on your stunning commentary even further?" Noire quipped, swiftly aiming a series of stabs at the demon hunter, only managing to land a clean blow on Dante with the final swing of her attack. Dante's body began to feel rather strange upon taking the blow, but his own assault failed to cease in the slightest. "I know exactly what kind of jackass you are! You're a bitchy control freak that thinks she can order around the human population just because she thinks she's better than everybody around her!" Dante roared, slamming the ground with Arbiter to emit a sizable shockwave. "What kind of crap are you trying to pull off here?!" Noire questioned, leaping back a bit to avoid the impact of Arbiter. "F*ck you, you know exactly what I mean!" Dante swung Osiris in a horizontal arc at the CPU, still not letting up his assault, engaging in another clash with the girl shortly after. "You're shitty kind isn't fit to lead anyone! Nobody put your sorry ass in charge willingly, they're doing it all out of fear! What else can you call that but a f*cking demon!" Before Noire could rebut the rebel's harsh words again, Devil Trigger came into affect, slowing down time around the demon killer yet again. Dante lunged forward with his signature Stinger attack, sending his foe spiraling back. Tapping into his angelic side once more, Dante dashed after the hitstunned CPU to scoop her up into the air with Rebellion and ravage his target in midair with Osiris. As Devil Trigger came to a timely close, Dante ended his combo by grappling onto a surprisingly large television from afar and slammed it down on his still airborne foe, forcefully sending Noire into the base of a support pillar. A blinding dust cloud engulfed the area around the two combatants as Dante made his landing. "I've had it up to here with your attitude... I suppose its time I showed you a CPU's true power!" Noire's voice cried out from within the cloud of dust before the girl herself was engulfed in a mysterious light. Cue Music 14 Before Dante could even properly lay eyes on his foe, a familiar pain seethed through his chest as he soon found himself involuntarily flying through the mall. Much to Dante's surprise, Noire's appearance had changed entirely, now wearing a much more... expressive outfit and having traded in her twintailed hair for an even longer strand of white hair. Dante let out a flirty whistle, regardless of the fact that Noire continuously slammed the impaled Demon Hunter into every possible object as the two continued to fly through the mall. Any of Dante's efforts to shoot at the CPU with his free hands weren't exactly successful either. "Well, that's a nice look you've got there. But the hairdo? Not in a million years!" Dante managed to speak up, clearly admiring the view from his new position, prompting a bitch slap strong enough to leave a tomato colored mark on his face. "Oh, grow up!" After being slammed into numerous other pieces of store property, the two fighters finally made their way outside of the building into an all too familiar hellish landscape. With fewer objects to ram her target into, Noire settled for kicking for launching the demon killer off her blade with a savage kick to the place where the sun never shines. Noire followed after the airborne Dante before he could come close to the ground, cleaving clean through his body with few visible effects before signalling a series of delayed slashes to Dante's body with a quick hand gesture, forcefully bringing the demon killer back to earth. Noire refused to stop her assault, now concentrating her energy to form a rather... strange looking magical glyph. "Omni cultural creation, La Varna!" Noire quickly chanted as the area around her began to resemble an intricate glowing painting. "La what the hell now?!" Dante exclaimed in shock as he noticed the oddly realistic head (seriously, what the f*ck is that?) on top of the glyph. Clearly, this was the most absurd thing he had ever seen in his life. Coming from somebody that's grown up on the streets of Limbo City, that's really saying something. The entire city block was engulfed in a beam of light, completely obscuring the two combatants within. But not too long later, Noire felt a familiar force clash against her blade. Dante survived the spell no worse for wear, more pissed off than anything as he landed a heavy kick on the CPU. "You know, this just shows what little information you know about CPUs!" Noire reprimanded Dante as she confidently pointed her blade at the demon killer. "I don't care what shit you have to spout! The only thing that matters is that you're the worst kind of authority figure out there!" Dante roared back, using another Angel Dash to engage in another clash with the CPU. "Fine, I'll admit your argument isn't COMPLETELY worthless, but you're missing the most important aspects!" Noire continued her speech as both combatants skillfully parried every blow. "Bullshi-" "Would you just let me finish?! I don't know where you got the idea from but I'm not some oppressive Hitler wannabe! I show nothing but respect and love for my country!" Noire interrupted as the two dealt a blow strong enough to force one another back to the opposite sidewalks of the street. "A country ruled by an all powerful demonic bitch, eh? Sounds fair to me!" Dante sarcastically quipped as he rushed forward to meet his opponent head on again. The clash would quickly evolve into a constant back and forth blur between the two buildings. "You still don't get it, do you?! I'm only as powerful as I am because of how much my people believe in me! (Wow, this is starting to become the cheesiest thing I've ever said.) I get that you probably grew up in worse circumstances than I could ever imagine, but do you really have to be such a prick about it?" Noire continued the debate as their constant clashes steadily progressed through the rest of the block. ...The battle continued down the street as usual but Dante found himself at a total loss for words at this point. He had to take another moment to himself to mentally prepare his next words. ... The battle had finally progressed to the end of the street as the two combatants latched onto the buildings on the opposite sides of the road. "...F*ck you!" Dante finally shouted in defiance, once again activating Devil Trigger and readying Arbiter before leaping off the building to meet his foe on the other side... "What the hell?!" But much to the demon killer's surprise, Noire was heading right for him at the same time, now wielding a comically oversized drill with the same creepy face from earlier. the CPU rushed right through Dante before be could even get off another attack, forcibly ending the Devil Trigger state. Just to add insult injury, Dante's body inexplicably exploded shortly after, knocking him even further into the air for Noire to follow after and slam him onto the roof of a nearby building. Cue Music 15 Sure enough, Dante regained his bearings upon landing, promptly rushing back into the fray to meet his foe's blade once more. "All right, fine?! Maybe you are right, but how do I know if I should even trust someone in your position! (If I can't even trust my own brother...)" Dante had to ask on as the two began the clash of blades anew. "I may not always be in perfect touch with the people I'm responsible for... But at least I always act with their best interests in mind above all else! Everything I do is in the name of Lastation! And seriously though, trusting Arfoire is still a terrable mistake on your part. (Damn, did I just make the same pun again?!)". "Eh, whatever. I guess I actually gained a tiny bit of respect for you... But what are you even gonna keep doing with all that power at your fingertips? How do I know you're not just another f*cking Mundus?! I've taken it upon myself to protect mankind from the likes of you, so we don't repeat the bullshit that took part in Limbo City!" "Yeah, well your cause is pretty noble and all, but you sure as hell seem to be going about it the wrong way. I remember hearing about Limbo City once. About how the city was completely wrecked because of the actions of a single terrorist rebelling against the demon overlord. You don't think you're hurting more people than you claim to be protecting?" ... The two fighters finally took a brief moment to cease their clash. "Then why don't we settle it here? There's no better way to settle our differences than a nice old bloodbath, wouldn't you agree, girl?" "I guess I should have expected this. But screw it, you're so on! It's about time I turned that smile over its teeth!" Cue Music 16 "Impact Law!" "I'm gonna enjoy this!" The final duel began when a heavy collision of Noire's blade and Dante's Arbiter created a massive shockwave upon impact, causing both fighters to stumble back slightly. Dante regained his bearings first, immediately firing off a round from his trusty Revenant shotgun. Noire swept around the blast with ease, managing to deliver another flip kick to the demon hunter's jaw that sent him sky high, perfect for another combo. Dante fired off a few rounds from Ebony and Ivory to stall the CPU's approach, only succeeding in making Noire perform a certain memetic maneuver to deflect them... <> Theodore: Actually, it's called an ai-''' Nova: Don't ruin the joke! <> But with an equally impressive midair flip of his own, Dante brought his signature blade down hard on the tsundere girl, quickly forcing both of them down to the streets below, though Dante managed to cease his own drop by hooking onto the side of the building to halt his momentum. Noire managed to recover soon enough, only for Dante to take aim with his explosive gun appropriately named Kablooey. The shot missed, only managing to hit the opposite building instead. Noire rushed to her target once more just as Dante activated Devil Trigger, barely managing to get skewered again as he unleashed hell with his scythe, piling on one blow after another before kicking Noire all the way to the opposite building. "And, bullseye!" Dante added with a confident smirk, detonating the shot he fired earlier with his target directly on top of it. The blast itself was strong enough to create a sizable crater on the side of the building, completely obscuring Noire from Dante's vision on top of that. Dante's smile grew even larger as he grappled onto the opposite structure to chase after his target, firing off a few shots from Ebony for good measure. Making sure to swap in Rebellion to score his next blow, Dante swung down on his makeshift crater to strike down his clearly immobile opponent. *STOP MUSIC* "Was that supposed to kill me or something?" A voiced called out from the opposing direction. Cue Music 17 Much to Dante's surprise, his blade's swing halted abruptly when Noire caught the weapon in her free hand. Her appearance had changed once again, now actually wearing more clothes and looking quite tech savvy at the same time. With nary another word, the newly transformed CPU drove a violent knee into the demon hunter's crotch, now literally mugging him by stealing Rebellion from his hands. With the demonic blade in hand, Noire swiped clean through her foe's body, soon returning for a second trip to drive Dante's own weapon into his back, prompting a sharp cry of pain from the youth as his birthmark began to glow violently. "Can't say I didn't warn you!" Noire reprimanded as she grabbed hold of her now stunned and threw him back out into clearer space. Then just like any other RPG hero(ine), Noire followed after her opponent and unleashed Hell with her blade, slicing apart her target with a rapid barrage of slashes faster than the eye could track. Not yet satisfied with her current work, Noire summoned four blades of red, purple, blue, and green to her side to further continue her savage onslaught. Soon becoming content with the damage she had just inflicted, Noire flew up above Dante to charge up one last devastating attack. "It's time to say goodbye, punk!" And with those final words, Noire cut right through the demon hunter's body, which exploded in a brilliant mass of blue energy shortly afterwards. '''KO! When the swirling energies finally cleared, there was nary a trace of the old demon killer left on the battlefield. All that remained was an enormous crater with a now detransformed Noire triumphantly standing in the middle as she casually dusted off her clothes. "*sigh* Part of me wants to feel bad about overkilling that guy so much but... The rest of me just says good riddance!" ... "...Either way, it's a good sign that I still need to become a better CPU... With that in mind... How the hell do i get out of here?!" Results Cue Music 18 Alice: ...Really Theo, are you crying AGAIN? Theodore: It's just the rain. Luther: But we're indoors... Dante: Ah, I don't see ya as any less of a man for it. But for now, can we talk about how stylish that battle was?! I've actually got more respect for my other self than ever before! (At least a little more.) Nova: Oh yeah, that was one hell of a match! The two of 'em weren't that far apart when we started things off but... Lets just say things started looking downhill for Dante there soon enough. Theodore: Dante and Noire have been capable of defeating hordes of vile monsters and even some ultra powerful demonic beings that threatened their homes as they know it. yeah, Noire had some help with plenty of her own fights, but Dante himself needed some assistance from his bro to take town the building sized Mundus too. Alice: But that doesn't exactly make him any less powerful. After all, Vergil has admitted out loud that Dante's the stronger brother. Which makes their ensuing (and completely out of nowhere) duel that took place afterwards a foregone conclusion. I'll say it here: Dante's battle with Vergil is the closest thing we've seen to him squaring off against an equal. '' 'Luther: But before we continue with that route, lets talk durability first! Dante's healing factor could certainly keep him alive longer than it should have, but it's nothing new to Noire, who has faced even bigger foes with healing factors before. (Seriously though, why is it that nearly EVERY boss in Victory has a healing factor? It makes no sense!)' 'Dante: And remember Noire's bad luck fall magnet status from earlier? That wasn't a joke, these guys were referencing a pretty absurd feat from that one! One day, the Noire of the Ultradimension was going for what should have been a peaceful walk with her good friend Plutia...' '''Theodore: Until Neptune fell on her head at literal breakneck speeds! The clutz was falling through the air for minutes on end, and by the time Plutie finally noticed her, she still had enough time to hold a bit of a lengthy conversation anyway.' Nova: Needless to say, this is more than enough time for Neptune to have reached TERMINAL VELOCITY! And guess who broke her fall? Alice: Noire may not be the luckiest girl in the world, but she's a survivor. And if I might add, that was in her HUMAN FORM! Before even becoming a CPU! '' '''Theodore: Lets not forget to mention the ever so common RPG trait of tanking barrages of slashes, explosions, and other such attacks from the week's world domination wannabe. Dante, while tough as hell has still been visibly bothered by attacks that wouldn't have made his other self flinch.' Luther: Like the time mob boss Mundus overpowered and ripped the guy's chest open and nearly succeeded in ripping out his heart... while said mob boss was in his human form. (I'm starting to sense a pattern here.) Dante very easily could have died if Vergil didn't stab Mundus in the back. Dante: My other self may not have many noticeable weaknesses, but his cocky attitude sure as hell is one! (Huh. Sounds familiar.) Not only will he underestimate his opponents, but he'll also piss 'em off enough to want to kill him even harder! Nova: And if we're gonna talk speed? Noire's fast enough to cause delayed explosions (or other attacks) merely by slashing through her target! In her human form! Sounds just like Vergil, right? Except Noire here doesn't have her own dimension cutting blade. This is already pretty far above anything Dante's dealt with. Luther: Vergil himself's a certified bullet timer, and while Dante hasn't visibly performed anything like that, he could at least react to his evil brother, right? Luther: Yeah well once again, Noire's capable of dodging lightning. (It's a dime a dozen ability, I know.) If you've got the time to dodge lightning, you can dodge a bullet too. But speaking of time, you guys are probably wondering about Devil Trigger, eh? Theodore: Any means of controlling time grants the user a great advantage. I would know after all, and I love every second of it. Dante: Whoa whoa whoa, lets slow down a bit. Cause while my other self's Devil Trigger is pretty powerful, it ain't gonna last too long before prematurely shutting off! Nova: While we've given it the benefit of the doubt by determining it could effect Noire's normal form, HDD would be a different story. After all, she wouldn't be the first to resist the almighty time slow! (Since you know, it doesn't exactly work on most bosses.) But even more damning is the fact that this Devil Trigger's abilities are so limited because Dante hasn't fully tapped into his heritage, as told by the kind demon Phineas. Dante: Yeah, that's part of the problem isn't it? The other me hasn't reached his full potential yet and he probably never will if his game never gets a sequel. (Once again, probably not gonna happen.) Alice: Well, at least it still makes him stronger but that's about it. While HDD's actual duration has varied depending on the game, it always tended to last much longer than Devil Trigger regardless. (Here, we're going under the rule that Noire needs to sustain enough damage to revert to normal. Good luck with that, Dante.) Lets just say Dante's gonna have trouble keeping up with Noire at this point when he can't consistently use his greatest trump card. Theodore: But wait, you say! What about Dante's healing factor? Guys, we keep telling you, he's not Deadpool! Not even close! If you really keep at it without giving him enough time to recover, he's gonna go down soon enough. Luther: But still, Dante's diverse fighting style is still gonna help him keep up all the way... But it consists of so many easily avoided haymaker swings that anybody with even a smidge of formal training will know not to rely on too much! Yeah, it works damn well for slaughtering the demons of Limbo City but good luck in a swordfight against someone your equal! Nova: in the end, this entire battle is actually very comparable to the first duel between Classic Dante and Vergil in Devil May Cry 3, with Noire in the place of Vergil. Dante: As much as I hate to admit it, you're absolutely right... Vergil really was out of my league back then. Poor other me... I SHOULD HAVE HAVE BEEN THE ON TO FILL HIS DARK SOUL WITH LIIIIGHT! Theodore: So in the end, while Dante could possibly keep up with Noire in her normal form, it's only a matter of time before her other forms completely overwhelm him. And lets be even more honest: That Next Form was complete overkill in every sense of the word. Nova: it looks like Dante's demise met with a premature trijection. Dante: ...Seriously? Alice: The winner is Noire. Luther: But hey, at least we got you guys (and hopefully a lot of members of the audience too) to get a lot more respect for the new Dante, right? I say he deserves a small memorial from us. Alice: Mm. Truly Shakespearean. Post Episode Cue Music 19 Dante: Whoop! I had one hell of a time back there! Gimme a call whenever you need me! I'd gladly come back to hang out with you guys! Theodore: it was truly an honor to have you here... But wait, that reminds me... Do you think you can deal with all the Anti Death Battle protestors outside too? Just don't kill them. Dante: 'Fraid not, Theo. You guys didn't pay me for that. Theodore: I'm sorry, did you say pay? When did we get enough of a salary to contract Devil May Cry? Nova: It came right out of your wallet, Theo! But chillax, at least you got to meet one of your idols, right? Theodore: Ugh... I guess that's about right.... ''' ''Dante: Eh, you know what? How bout we make a small bet to make it up to ya? I'll flip a coin. If it lands on heads, you gotta give me a good portion of your salary every week for the next month... But if it lands on tails, I'll give you guys a complete refund! How does that sound?'' ''Luther: Theo, don't do- ARGH!'' '''Theodore: Sweet deal! Let's do it! Alice: (What a sucker.) ... Theodore: *Cue Sound* ... Alice: Wow, are you guys still watching? ... ...How about a little request? In the event that you decide to post a comment down below, add in *Theo's a dork* at the end of your comment to let us know you actually read the entire episode! '' '''Theodore: Wait, what?' Alice: Thanks for your time! We hope you enjoyed yourselves, Allie out! Who would you root for in this fight? Noire Reboot Dante Which style of transformation is your favorite? HDD Devil Trigger Category:Team MMYP Death Battles Category:What-If? 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